Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work
 

This is probably as old as the hills, but damned if it didn't bring tears to my eyes here at work (no pun intended). Enjoy!
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the work poop is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the survival guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...

Escapee: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. A sudden wave of panic/embarrassment usually accompanies this. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee): When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machineguns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.

Walk of Shame: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a courtesy flush.

Out of the Closet Pooper: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

The Pooping Friends Network (PFN): A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify safe havens.

Safe Haven: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a watermelon or to alert potential turd burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Astaire: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-cough.

Havana Omelet: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a Camo-cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Ted: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a frequent flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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Re: Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work
 

These are impossible here at work. All the toilets have those automatic flush doodads which won't flush until you leave the stall. It really stinks.

Oooh....drag. I'm SUCH a courtesy flusher.

I'm a combo "Escapee/Jailbreak/Courtesy Flush/Walk of Shamer

Someone put a magazine rack in the safe haven here, so I pulled an Uncle Ted until I got tired of the fly bys.

Everyone here at work are Out of the Closet poopers. They have no shame. We have a sizable archive of Detroit Free Press sports section's in the stall.

LOL pest.

bane: put your hand in front of the censors for a second and move it away.

[quote="Animal Mother":4aa23]bane: put your hand in front of the encors for a second and move it away.[/quote:4aa23]
Dude... you rock man. Why didn't I think of that...

haha those are hilarious

a friend of mine showed me that a while ago
and its still funny

list could also be for school kinda.......I just stand up and dont touch the forbidden porcelain...But sometimes if i go long enough my legs give it.. oOo:

coz im 14 im still at skool and there is no way on this earth i would take a dump in those toilets. I went home for one before a lesson like finch off american pie lol biggrin:

If you took a dump in my skool, u would not go un-noticed

but the huge logs that look like they came out a basketball hoop that are in the disabled stall before you piss is a different story all together oOo:

Out of the closet pooper...no shame in my game

hahaha hilarious. @rkley.....is just like finch too. haha

im a courtesy flusher i guess

bahahaha I take a shit at school all the time! I go to a technical school and we can leave to drop a load whenever we want.

It's great!

ah.

I hate shittin at school.

I avoid it as much as possible.

I'm afraid of TTD's..

Toliet Transmitted Diseases.

To go along with the dump guide, its your crap identifying guide
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/poopie.htm

[quote:7ae41]POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.[/quote:7ae41]

those are hilarious

-just read it lol. really funny shit happy: rock:

That's so great, I follow like maybe 90% of those rules at work lol

lol, good post Zoner.

At school, I hold my poops until I can reach the locker room when school ends, which is usually full of varsity players who purposely shit in the Freshman locker room, lol.

hehehe, im gonna print this out and post it in every bathroom at my job

The author must be one really paranoid guy. I mean I dont give if someone is taking a dump in the men toilets. Its human nature to take a shit.

...yeah, he goes on a bit, I'm just the opposite, I mean "courtesy flush"..??, puhleeze... rolleyes:
I like to know no-one else is in the bathroom so I get out of the cubicle without flushing!
...some days I'll even leave my stoolage in one cubicle and then hide in another cubicle
I have the themes of "Jaws" and "Cape Fear" ready to go on a cd player, and when I hear
the bathroom door open....well, lets just say you could cut the atmosphere with a knife...

[quote="Eight Ace":35d27]...yeah, he goes on a bit, I'm just the opposite, I mean "courtesy flush"..??, puhleeze... rolleyes:
I like to know no-one else is in the bathroom so I get out of the cubicle without flushing!
...some days I'll even leave my stoolage in one cubicle and then hide in another cubicle
I have the themes of "Jaws" and "Cape Fear" ready to go on a cd player, and when I hear
the bathroom door open....well, lets just say you could cut the atmosphere with a knife...[/quote:35d27]

rock: you are one of my favorite poster's here beer:

[quote="Eight Ace":2102b]...yeah, he goes on a bit, I'm just the opposite, I mean "courtesy flush"..??, puhleeze... rolleyes:
I like to know no-one else is in the bathroom so I get out of the cubicle without flushing!
...some days I'll even leave my stoolage in one cubicle and then hide in another cubicle
I have the themes of "Jaws" and "Cape Fear" ready to go on a cd player, and when I hear
the bathroom door open....well, lets just say you could cut the atmosphere with a knife...[/quote:2102b]

LMAO!! that's a good one.....dun dun...dun dun dun dun...wahhhhhhhhhhhh

ahhh a poopie

*SCREAM*
happy:

Im a private pooper. I will not use a shitter when someone else is in the bathroom. Luckly where i work has two bathrooms, one up front that is multiple use, and one in back that is single person. I only use the single person. Even when on break up front, if i feel the urge i walk to the back.

Im not to big on urnal's either, i tend to use stalls for pissing in most public places.

Yeah im a bit stupid:

Urinals are fucking disgusting - said plainly. I'm afraid a couple crabs will hop on while I'm taking a piss...

I TRY to hold my shit in at school. Unfortunatly I have to shit every morning around 9am. I think it's just that I sit around all day at school that when I have to shit, I can't really hold it because of sitting. If I was standing around it would be a different situation considering I can move around and try to take my mind off of it. lol

Not to mention when I get nervous I get dierrehea LOL. Sometimes I get so damn nervous for a certain game or test I'll be shittin' waterlogs for the rest of the day.

[quote="Cpt. Zapotoski":cd41a]I have to shit every morning.[/quote:cd41a]
Yea, Er... Thanks for that

[quote="Cpt. Zapotoski":cd41a]I'll be shittin' waterlogs for the rest of the day[/quote:cd41a]
Thanks again

ROFL

How about the one where you put some toiler paper on the water so as to muffle the sound of the splash?

This guy is obviously not a pro. eek:

LOL Bunny. Fuck them people... who really gives a rats ass if you're taking a shit? Whenever I sign out and go to the bathroom at school and come back like 10-15 minutes later. The teacher asks me in front of the class "Where have you been...???" I'll reply with "I was taking a shit"...

[quote="Fluffy_Bunny":09b7e]How about the one where you put some toiler paper on the water so as to muffle the sound of the splash?

This guy is obviously not a pro. eek:[/quote:09b7e]

lol, I don't give a shit who hears or smells when I shit.Some of you closet crappers must live miserable lives with constipation and lower bowel pressure.
I just don't want the water from a public toliet splashing
up on my cheeks. eek:

That aint water.....

I like a fresh bowl.

I find that pretty ironic for a guy who is Buzzing around the dung pile
beer:

LOL

hah, very clever! biggrin: