Worlds funniest joke?
 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


eek:


http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10 ... index.html

That's the funniest joke ? eek:

No this is

[img]http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gerald.marley/Smilies/repost3.gif[/img]

evil:

man: "...my dog has no nose"

2nd man: "...really?...how does he smell?"

man: "terrible!"

[quote="Mr.X":55e95]man: "...my dog has no nose"

2nd man: "...really?...how does he smell?"

man: "terrible!" [/quote:55e95]

[img]http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gerald.marley/Smilies/why.gif[/img]

man to butcher: "...do you have sheeps testicles?"

butcher: "No...it's just the way these trousers hang."

Hahahahahahahaha, fucking hilarious !!!!!!!!

......or was it ??

The Pope's on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle. The cardinal next to him notices a puzzled look on the Pontiff's face and asks him,

"Are you stuck on one, Holiness?"

The Pope replied, "Why yes I am. Can you tell me a 4 letter word for "woman" that ends in "UNT"?

The cardinal ponders it for a minute and answers, "How about "AUNT"?

The Pope, looking sheepish, says, "That's it! Do you have an eraser?"

biggrin:


Zone

I like this one too:

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip,
he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding
a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" the priest said.

"No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind of fish it is. It's a Son
of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" chimed the priest.

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the
biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen" said the guide.

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest.

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. Sister Mary inquired
about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" the
priest said.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary. "Father!"

"It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what kind of fish it is. A Son
of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh well, then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?" asked Sister Mary.

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit
in a few days and that the Friar should fix the Son of a Bitch for
dinner.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The church
had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was
excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The
Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister. The Pope
sat silent in disbelief.

And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using
a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept
across his face, and he said, "You fuckers are alright!"

biggrin:


Zone

Lol best of the bunch biggrin:

Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Found here ---> http://www.ahajokes.com/war004.html

...and they call us Newfoundlanders stupid. BAH!! BAH, I say!


Zone

hahaha silly newfie. whenever someoen goes to make ajoke in person i just shut them down. example

why did the hunter shoot his dog?

how the fuck should i know?

[quote="aNti hEro":d55b3]hahaha silly newfie. whenever someoen goes to make ajoke in person i just shut them down. example

why did the hunter shoot his dog?

how the fuck should i know?[/quote:d55b3]

...yeah?...so what the fuck do you want us to do about it...?.... oOo:

How do you start a rumble in a jewish temple?............

Answer: Roll a penny down the isle biggrin:

I second that Zoner...lol

funny... oOo:

hey can anyone guess this one?

a man on horse back went on a 2 day trip he left on tuesday and arrived home on tuesday. how can this be?

horses name is tuesday

right .

I heard this one about Lawyers:

A lawyer decided to take a vacation with his Chezchovakian(Definite spelling error oOo: )friend. They go out to his cabin in the woods and decide to pick berries. While out picking berries, they run into two bears, a male and female. The male charges and swallows his friend whole. The lawyer runs off back to his cabin, on his way, he decides to call the Sheriff and try to save his friend and avoid a lawsuit. The Sheriff gets there and whips out his shotgun. They charge to the spot where the bears are and the lawyer tells the Sheriff that his Chezovakian friend his in the male bear. The Sheriff shoots the female bear. The lawyer was like, "What the hell are you doing?!?!" The Sheriff responds, "Would you believe a lawyer that said the Chezch's in the male?"

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They walk by the
condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use
them to have safe sex."

"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for..."

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun, and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister.

Anything that had touched his legs caused agony. The Doctor prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and three Viagra pills.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will the Viagra do him in his condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs".

Heheehe.....Those are funny....Bahaha!

"When are YOU Old enough!?"

Saw this dirty guy say it to this 12 year old girl...Cracked me up!

Not really a joke....But it was funny as hell!

GORILLA
 

a man goes out to get his paper in the morning. in his front yard theres a huge gorilla..the man runs back into the house and calls the zoo..the man at the zoo said it had escaped and they were lookin for it but not to worry..it was tame. the zoo keeper arives at the mans house with a huge chain..high powered rifle..and a big net.and a huge vicious dog!!.the home owner says..i thought you said it was tame..the man replies i need all this stuff to capture it..they walk around to the back of the house and the home owner points up in a tree in his back yard..there sets the gorilla..the zoo keeper hands the man the rifle..surprised the man says..what am i suposed to do with this..the zoo keeper explains..ill go up into the tree..shake the limb hes on..he will fall out of the tree..this dog will run over and grab him by the nuts..ill through the net down on him..put the chains on him..and were off to the zoo..the man replies well what am i suposed to do with rifle..the zoo keeper replies..sometimes he gets playful..if he shakes me out of the tree..YOU SHOOT THAT DAMN DOG.!!!!!!!

what do you call a happy roman? ----gladiator


simple short classic. especially when drinking is involved evil:

An Army general is visiting an army camp in the desert, a couple of soldiers are showing him about the camp, where to eat, where he will sleep, where to go if the camp is attacked etc, then at the end of the tour th General says "well i am impressed with this camp, but 1 question. what do you do when you want sex?"
The two soldiers looked at each and then at the general, "Well general, when that happens, we use the camel" pointing to a rather old camel tied to a post just by the camp.
A few days go by and everything is fine, but then the general starts to get angsty down below. So one night he gets out of bed, drops his trousers and starts humping the camel
The soldiers who gave him the tour were on night watch, and heard the grunting and groaning coming from the general. The stood in shook at what they saw and one shouted "General! what are you doing?!"
The general stops his buisness and says "what do you mean, you said you used this old camel when you wanted sex"
The soldier replies "well yes.....but we use it to ride to the brothel in the next town".

[quote="Capt. John Miller":25279]How do you start a rumble in a jewish temple?............

Answer: Roll a penny down the isle biggrin:[/quote:25279]
omg hahahaa
not! hake: fire1:

The funniest joke ever.....has to be the French.

The French are lovers, not fighters oOo:

[quote="Pfc.Green":4e41b]The funniest joke ever.....has to be the French.[/quote:4e41b]

Confederates 4 life...the Union is the joke.

Lol some of these jokes are really funny....some eatthis:

Ok, no more mocking countries or this thread gets closed! Same goes for our Jewish friends! :)

for some reason i always forget the funniest jokes i hear.
heres one i got today though...

----

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited
to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to
wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy
dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note,
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter
of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which
says,
"Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find
enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from
emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and
he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.
Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

ive got one but its not appropriate for this forum oh well ill have to go with the priest and fish joke as the best one! biggrin: M16: M16: M16: