Joke thread again
 

Who Died the Worst Death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

HAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAA happy: good one dude HAHA

thats older than old. i mean old and not funny.

thats pretty good

[quote="Animal Mother":80d54]thats older than old. i mean old and not funny.[/quote:80d54]

Shut the fuck up, Grouch.

lmao...too bad we never found who he choose. There is no St. Peter so who care actually. Simon is a made up character.

Just read this on a newsgroup:

[code:99a55]I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy
right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!!!"[/code:99a55]

I thought it was pretty funny freak:

buhahahahahahaha!!!!!

Since we are doing old jokes:

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr.
Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all
eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your
life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous
and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked
up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of
people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To
Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps
into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the
best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a
hole in it and the girl hasn't."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three
keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete

LOL..nice one

Weight Loss Program


A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what
they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure,
sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I
can catch you, I can have you."

..
 

short.

whats worse than 10 dead babys nailed to a tree?
.......one dead baby nailed to ten trees.

whats the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls...
......you can use a pitch fork to empty the truck load of dead babies...

and for the younger non mature generation....

theres these 2 muffins in the oven..
one says to the other 'holy shit its hot in here'
...then the other says 'holy shit a talking muffin'

har har har

bada bing

this ones old but here it is any way

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?

huh?

[quote="Sergeant_Scrotum":a415b]huh?[/quote:a415b]

For Fatman's joke:

Think the three buttons activiate nuclear warheads or what not shooting towards Baghdad.