Alliedassault - JoKeS..

Its been ages since I've heard any good jokes to make me chuckle, got any?

heres a couple...

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a lift..
when the redhead happens to glance down a sticky puddle on the floor.
"Ew!", she exclaims. "That looks like cum!"

The brunette bends over and sniffs.
"Eww!", she cries. "It smells like cum too!"

The blonde gets down on her knees and dips the tip of her tongue in it.
"Hmm..", she says. "Well it's noone from our building"

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.

These two cannibals are eating a clown when one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

what's the best part of raping a retarded, disabled 6 yeard old?

watching him break down in court

THis guy goes into a tattoo shop and says "I want a $100 bill on my dick."

"That's goig to hurt- Why on earth would you want to do suh a thing?" the artist adsked.

Then came the reply "Well, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow a hundred dollars, she can just stay home and do it."

how do you crucify a spastic?

on a swastika

What’s the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?

One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.

A guy and this girl are scoring each other in a cinema.
When they come up for air, the guy says to the girl, ‘I really like kissing you but do you
mind not passing me your chewing gum?’ and the girl says, ‘It’s not chewing gum,
I have bronchitis.’

how do you make a baby drink?

stick it in a blender

How do you bring a baby up in the Outback?

Kick a dingo in the stomach.

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?

Porridge.

guy and a girl are fucking, really going for it, sweat pouring everywhere filthy nasty dirty fucking. All of a sudden he pulls out, whacks his cock up her arse and starts fucking as hard as he can.
Girl leans back over her shoulder and says "fucking hell that's a bit presumptiuous innit?"
guy says
"presumptious? thats a long word for a five year old"

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

finding half a worm in your apple

what's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

rape.

A guy goes to the doctor complaining about problems when he has sex with his girlfriend "her toes curl back to the point where she's in agony... what should I do?"

"take her tights off first"
----

"somebody stole my front gate last night... I was going to stop him but I thought he might take a fence"

And yes I'm going to hell..